Sunday, January 13, 2013

Strong things

„You can't go much further.“
This statement of a close friend is the essence of what could be said about life these days.

After the silent losses of last autumn – a home, the person I love, the presence of horses  – mainly survival was on the schedule. Surviving alone in this beautiful and silent new place, each fucking day, only being saved by the work with my handicapped people – and by their incredible sensitivity for pain, where hardly anyone took notice. A terrible desember/christmas time marked the end of a year of changes, and I knew the experience had to lead into something.
Either into death (nobody would find me after a fatal accident in my hot-tub, or a heart attack, the latter which is no joke) - or to a rope as a spiritual guiding line.

The rope appeared, like the materialized katharsis of christmas. 
I started with a new book, and the story manages to fill the emptiness. The strange secret behind „Iceland is a good place for writing“: when in doubt, write a book. Stories serve perfectly as substitutes, like music does, or dogs, or excessive work. Life tends to repeat chapters: together with a book-project I share this place that, being too far away from life, never sees visitors, although my door is always open. 
I fell back to the old customs from 4 years ago – sleepless, due to nightly fear and a overbusy mind, foodless, with no one to share a meal, and clueless about myself. The story is the alchemistic elixier.
Writers, musicians and painters are mad.

Iceland has been a good teacher in the matter of isolation, so I suffer far less than the above mentioned friend, a newbie on this island, who is speechless about how people ignore circumstances and simply leave you alone when you are too weak to cry for help. After 3 years you don't expect anything from people anymore, and you enjoy the warm shower of gladness, when you get an unexpected invitation, or when your postman chases you like an imbecile in the fields, just to forward personally a package from Russia :-)

We two girls made it through the winter, and to see her leave next month will be a big loss, as some winter will still be left.
Then loneliest ever - and the strongest also, in any sense. Strong impressions of nature, experienced night by night in my hot-tub (the greatest gift ever) – dozens of falling stars in the past months, or a northern light like the one that just brought me home from work are proofs of God being near. And Him being love. „Let us have love for each other, because love is of God, and everyone who has love is a child of God and has knowledge of God. He who has no love, has no knowledge of God, because God is love.“ (Joh. 4,7,8)
Truths like this create softness, and in hard times they form a mantra, inviting you into a peaceful circle, where there is no „But ...“- just a "yes".

Love no longer creates desparation. Love makes me even more sure, the longer it takes to wait. Sure also, that nothing is ever going to break me down.
It is like starting to play guitar. In the beginning your fingers are nothing but painful and you are pretty sure, you will never be able to play for more than 2 minutes. But your fingers get used to the pain, though not numb! – and at the same time more and more skilled, more sensitive. Less pain, more melody, and some day creating beauty.
The fingers on the strings are an allegory of life.
You have to experience the shapes of pain in order to grow.
You have to experience the pain of growing in order to be a melody for someone.
A strong heart does not get desparate, like a strong finger on the string does not get tired.

And the meme of the day was to be found on my Yogi-tea this morning (and Yogi knows):
Strong desire needs strong will.
Yesss! :-)

1 comment:

  1. Liebe Kata,
    hab deine Posts vermisst und freue mich über dieses starke Lebenszeichen! Würde mich sehr freuen, öfter hier zu lesen :-)
    Viele liebe Grüße aus Wien, wo es heute erstmals diesen Winter so richtig schneit...