Thursday, December 29, 2011

Cleaning lights

Coming home from christmas you are filled with friendly noise, warmth and the memories of bright hours in good company. Sharing meals is an aspect of enlived charity - and shared meals stay the longest in man's memory. :)
These memories are of the kind that have to last, for the winter will be long, and kind of endless after New Year.

People will find back into their old shoes, will loose civilized christmas-manners, as soon as the christmas-lights are extinguished and "cleaning lights" are turned on in late January.
Keeping the spirit of christmas seems to be impossible - that's why we have to celebrate it the exaggerated way we do.
Cleaning lights reveal truths - like kilos and fat, wrinkles, or the reading glasses I now have to use. (°!°)
Cleaning lights focus on an elusive discovery.

It is a deeper understanding of loneliness.
Having no children at a certain age means, the female purpose is gone, leaving nothing but you to the quest for meaning. A thin line to walk on.
A fact that no mother will ever be able to understand.
It might be the root of melancholy in my books.

Last night the northwind bit into my face when I asked him for a direction or just an idea. He remained grim and silent, having no idea for himself as he passed by. Poor guy. For I am richer than he can ever be:
Once again it was the horse that dried the tears of lostness and made me laugh - in the middle of the night, in snow as deep as to my knees, far away from whatever-lights. :)

God gave three magic horses and a magic pen to keep me alive.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas spirit

Tha dark side of christmas lies behind us.
We could rely to 100% on the media - they blew into our heads what we could not provide ourselves and told us about love and peace and blablabla, even if we didn't believe. It felt like eating too much nammi/sweets, and there was no insuline to help against it.

The effect: Wolves chew chalk to have a soft voice, and kicks are padded with shimmering velvet, because it is christmas. On dec. 27th you might find a scar and discover that it had been a kick, one decorated with lametta.
I was given a wonderful christmas and could forget about wolves and kicks. Thank God.

Only 7 days left of the old year.
Looking back I see bright and dark times, and I know how useless it is to turn around. Memories can kill you, either with sugar or with acid. Memories are a poor basement for a future, when you will face being out in the cold.
In the old times the new year began with christmas time - today it feels more like a katharsis, which probably is the reason why so many people fear New Years Night.
Christmas Night could be a perfect beginning to something new - our hearts are filled with emotions we usually don't allow ourselves.

On this special night a fire burns around us and we can pretend to belong to somewhere.

The fire comes from this strange idea that was born in an ugly stable long time ago. The idea that it is no problem to love our next as it will keep us warm. The idea sounds so easy and seems to be the hardest thing - how weird we are! I wonder why not every day can be chrismas. Why christmas doesn't start with 1st of january. Wouldn' the world be brighter?

I have people on my mind that I love - may this christmas-fire bring light to them and all my dears and friends, may it sow beginnings, and may it warm our souls.

May none of us be alone tonight.

May none of us feel alone.

Tonight my thoughts are with all of you.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Spirit of cold

Winter still holds his grip on the country. He brought big monsters to make it easier for man to cope with nature. Driving behind the monster feels like being part of "Lord of the rings" ;-)
The big cold - minus 20 degree - is gone for now.
The december cold - a cold beyond physically measurable temperature - is still there.

10 days to go for chrismas.
People try to make me believe that it doesn't matter.
It does matter.

Chrismas starts much earlier than 24th of december (on which I never have been alone, thank God!) - and this is the reason for chrismas-blues in most people suffering from it.
Everyone seems to be extremely busy with cleaning, shopping, cooking, invitations. Jólahladbord must be a great food-experience, but like for Thorrablót in january you need to be part of a group or a family. In Iceland chrismas is "one big dinnerparty", as an art exhibition in Reykjavík, called White Chrismas, explains.
And like a dinnerparty it is closed for strangers.
The spirit of chrismas is only for families. If you don't have a family, find yourself an animal to spend the coldest time of the year time with.
It appears that not much has changed in the last 2000 years. Despite of the churches efforts. *g*

I do have an animal to spend chrismas time with - unfortunately Páll is extremely busy, too, with finding food outside in the snow and not willing to follow me to my home and share chrismas cake with me. Hm ... probably the doors in the neighbourhood would be wide open in less than a second if I tried to convince him.
I actually like that idea very much :-)
For sure it would bring forward my reputation as a weird, mentally sick foreign artist. ;-)

Listening to the Sound of silence.

I do not miss much of Germany, and I am never homesick.

But in these december days I miss the german spirit of open houses in chrismas time, the taste of spicy cake and hot chocolate, of laughing and doing nonsense in good company, of sweet Dresdner Stollen and Bratapfel and of singing to a guitar, I miss Adventskalender, miss baking xmas-cookies with folks. I miss sharing icelandic candles with the someone my heart silently belongs to, whatever may happen.

Most of the missings will soon pass (10 days left) and you will find yourself pretty ridiculous in your childish lament. Of course.
But after the last ginger cookies have been eaten, the grey shadow of loneliness still shares my table, wipes away any idea of food, as 'Dinner for one' is nothing but a sour joke and cooking remains kind of a tasteless enterprise to fill your stomach from time to time.
Real taste can only be found on a table with more than one fork in use. :-)

"Why don't you go home" say people here in Iceland, and they don't understand, that the spirit of chrismas is not about sending strangers away.

There is no time in the year that a single without family feels more left-over than in the december weeks of Advent. Maybe a sentimental rest of our childhood that creates this silly weakness in us. Maybe the fear of facing the big changes the new year will start with.
For sure the feeling of being homeless, that to a certain extent everyone of us is hiding in his soul. You can cover it with food, with work or with alcohol. None of these drugs will help as they lack the warmth of human company. In other words - you can face anything with someone by your side.
In the meantime I try to get high on the second drug and spend my days with working, from 7 in the morning till late night, writing on deadline, translating and going into daily job, without ever getting tired enough to find good sleep.

Pretending it doesn't matter.

It does.

No matter how dark your road may be

no matter how little hope you see.

Horizon shows the light

of Someone who's your Guide.

Friday, December 2, 2011


Due to some incident I have lost my language and will use another one to express myself. If language is the blood that runs through an author's veins, a substitute language is some kind of plasma-expander to keep him alive in times of insufficiency.

Winter came. Snow covers the earth, ice seals the roads. You learn to drive carefully. Wind blows the snow from one spot to the other. Either you are frozen, or you loose the grip.

Chrismas is on the doorstep, smell of candles and cookies - familybusiness. Nothing but a sad thing when you are a left-over. Like last year my flat is getting colder, the heating can't cope with the cold. I can cope with woollen blankets, socks and gingertea. Going to bed early is good against wrinkles ;-)

He warms my heart.

And for the rest: silence.


Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

(Robert Frost. Stopping by woods on a snowy evening)